This weekend’s been spent dying my hair darker brown, working out, and eating half my weight in Boy Scout chocolate-covered popcorn. That stuff is sooooo good and addictive.
During my ellipticizing today, I did some serious people watching. And I’ve organized the people at the gym into a few universal categories.
I give them credit for getting off their couches and going to work out, but must they walk at a snail’s pace on the fancy new treadmill? Or use the only elliptical with a cable TV to watch soap operas? Ordinarily I (and others who want to use those machines) glare at the person until they feel intimidated and leave, but with old people, I just don’t have the heart to do that. Plus I’m scared they’ll yell at me about their problems with “the youth of today.”
You know the one? He stays in front of the mirror by the weights, lifting dumbbells and admiring his own form. He expects you to admire it, too. His “cardio” consists of a 2-minute run on the treadmill, after which he lets out a huge exhale and pretends he isn’t about to faint from exhaustion.
She’s your mom’s best friend’s cousin’s husband’s brother’s girlfriend’s friend. She saw a picture of you on Facebook 6 months ago and acts like she knows everything about you. She wants to have an in-depth conversation, but you just want to work out. Because you’re at the gym. And that’s what you came to do.
The One Who Keeps Staring At You:
You have no idea who they are. But every few minutes, they turn around and stare at you with a quizzical look. Maybe your shorts are riding up or you look like their daughter/son or you’re using a weight machine completely wrong. Chances are it’s none of the above, maybe, as Paulie Bleeker puts it, “That’s just how their face looks.”
The reason I’m not showing you “the face” I’m referencing is because I want you to see the movie, Juno. It’s on Oxygen all the time, and you can probably illegally download it online somewhere. But that’s not a good idea. :O
He struts in wearing elastic-ankle sweatpants and a college sweatshirt from a school he didn’t go to. He waves to all the trainers, who smile and wave back because they’re paid to do so. He talks loudly about “the game” to one of them, who nods because again, he’s paid to do so. Mr. Cool then lifts weights for about 10 minutes, talks about another “game” to another uninterested trainer, and leaves.
The Marathon People:
Only use treadmills when it’s raining. They use other machines for cross-training. You can tell who they are because they’re actually in shape and seem like pretty cool people. They were tech shirts, race shirts, or “Run Forrest Run” shirts with old running shoes. I want to be one. And I will someday.